I’ve always been putting my foot in my mouth. It seems like every time I opened my mouth I was saying something embarrassing or completely off-color. It almost seemed to get worse the more I paid attention to it and tried to improve. I would find myself talking in circles trying to avoid saying something stupid, but somehow say something even worse. It was pretty obvious that it was affecting the people around me. Many were too polite to say anything, but I could tell that they were either upset or annoyed by me. Especially the women in my life, which I suppose was no surprise. Many of the things I said were unintentionally sexual and they were obviously uncomfortable. It’s only natural I guess, a man making weird, semi-sexual remarks about the women in his life…
One night I was walking home from a nearby friend’s house when I realized that I had no idea where I was. I went to cut through the wooded neighborhood park, but I was so lost in thought that I ended up in an area I didn’t recognize. It was almost as if the night had closed in around me, creating a bubble of darkness through which only the surrounding trees were visible.
Looking around to get my bearings, I saw something in the near distance that drew my attention. I squinted to get a better look at it as I took a couple of steps forward. Soon, a well came into view. And when I mean well I mean like classic, old-school, fairytale well: a stone ring with a rickety wooden roof over the top.
“What the hell?” I said aloud. “I don’t remember this being out here…”
Despite being lost at night, I couldn’t help but investigate. As I approached, I saw a plaque mounted on the side, though I couldn’t read what it said. Flipping on my cell phone flashlight, I was able to read part of the inscription: ‘Beware … grants wishes, though what you … may not … you want’
“A wishing well, huh? I guess it can’t hurt,” I muttered as I fished through my pockets looking for a quarter to throw in. After I checked both pockets to no avail, a glittering caught my eye. I paused and looked at the well, seeing a silver coin sitting on the edge. While it was dark and it was hard to see, I KNOW that coin wasn’t there a moment ago.
I picked it up cautiously and flipped it over in my hand. It definitely wasn’t a quarter, but it wasn’t any currency that I recognized. I had the thought that I should take it home and look it up online for a second, but then the overwhelming desire to make a wish came over me.
“I wish I wouldn’t put my foot in my mouth anymore…” I said as I tossed the coin down into the well. I waited, not really sure what to expect. For a moment nothing happened and I chalked this up to just a really weird random encounter.
I turned to walk away, determined to find my way home, but my head started to spin. I tried to shake it off as I started walking back the way I came, figuring I could backtrack my way to somewhere familiar. But as I walked, the forest around me seemed to get darker, as if the blackness was closing in on me. I panicked and took a few running steps before my legs simply stopped working.
With a rather un-manly yelp, I fell forward. I braced myself to hit the ground, but I didn’t. As I fell, the darkness became complete, and I could see nothing at all around me. What was weirder, though, was that I couldn’t feel anything around me either. It was like I fell into outer space, and was simply floating free of the pull of gravity.
Panic really started to set in now and I tried to search around me with my arms and legs. I say tried to flail my arms, because I started to lose my sense of where my arms even were, so in total darkness, I had no way of knowing if my body was actually responding to my commands.
A weird wave ran through my body, like a chill, but deeper, more… disturbing. I tried to scream out, but there was no sound, and I didn’t feel any muscles moving. Somehow I got the sense that I no longer had a body. As nonsensical as that was, it was plainly obvious to me.
Silently something changed around me. I started to feel weight again, though it was wrong, like I was fundamentally rearranged somehow. No part of my body responded. Eventually, I felt something beneath me, pressing up gently against my back. It was like I was being set carefully down on an uneven surface. Light returned to my world, but only just. It looked like the light was far off and shining through a thin crack, not enough to show me anything about where I was. I could only tell that I was inside something.
Suddenly, with a jolt, my entire world moved and shifted with a loud wood scraping sound. Instantly the light went from barely visible to blinding as the ceiling seemed to pull back. I tried to blink, but found I was unable to. As the light started to fade around me I took in my surroundings. Right next to me was a huge object that looked like a hairbrush the size of an SUV. On the other side was a pile of what looked like ropes at first. It took me a second to realize they were hair ties, but big enough to wrap around me twice.
If I didn’t know better, I would say I was in a bathroom drawer. A woman’s bathroom drawer to boot. The more I took in the more disoriented I became. I was looking around, but no part of my body seemed to be moving. I was simply directing my vision to look at something else. Almost like I was focusing and unfocusing my eyes.
I finally looked up. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the giant face of a woman. But not just any woman: it was Alison, my girlfriend of six years. I tried to scream to her, to ask her what the hell was going on and to beg her to please save me from whatever was happening. But again, there was no sound at all. She didn’t seem to even notice me. It was only then that I realized her hair was wet and she was only wearing a towel.
Her giant hand reached down toward me and I screamed internally, still incapable of rationalizing what happened. Meanwhile, Alison took hold of the brush and lifted it away from the drawer. Items shifted around me and I found myself falling just a bit, settling into a new position. Now in my view, behind where the brush had been, was a small hand mirror, one I didn’t recognize. I paused. Alison only owned one hand mirror. I know because we often talked about how weird it was that she never had one until I gave her one for her birthday. So where did this one come from?
But then my blood ran cold. From the angle of the mirror and my viewpoint, I knew that I should be centered dead in the middle of that mirror. But I couldn’t see myself. What I saw instead was a white object, a half-oval of plastic with a flat metal grater-like surface taking up the flat side. What I was looking at was a Ped Egg, a tool used to scrape the dead skin off of one’s foot. And I don’t know how I knew this, but I could tell that I somehow WAS that Ped Egg.
My head spun, or at least it would have if I still had a head. The world seemed to go blurry around me for a moment as the realization dawned on me. But that meant that the weird well was real and was actually magic? It really did grant my wish? But this wasn’t my wish at all!
I was shaken out of my revelry when I heard a loud bang. I jumped, metaphorically speaking of course, and looked up at Alison to see what happened. I watched as she bent over and came back up holding the hairbrush. She must have dropped it. I watched her, silently pleading that she would somehow notice me down here. But she didn’t, she just ran the brush through her hair a few times and set it down on the counter above me.
Then her hand reached down toward me again, this time wrapping around me. I could feel her warm, still-damp skin on me in both a comforting and terrifying way. Comforting as it was the hand of someone I loved and who touched me often, but terrifying because of the sheer size and the fact that she seemed not to recognize me at all.
Her grip was firm but gentle as she lifted me off the bottom of the drawer. Panic seeped through my entire being as the ‘ground’ fell away from me. I was soon lifted twice my height, then three times, until I was what felt like the equivalent of twenty stories up. I screamed in my head, trying desperately to make some kind of audible noise so Alison could help me.
It was no use though. It would seem that I had no ability to do anything other than look around. Alison carried me causally over to the tub and sat down on the edge. While I was grateful that I wasn’t so high up in the air anymore, I was still terrified. I watched as she lifted her left foot up and put it on her right knee.
A chill ran through me as I realized what she was about to do. I screamed for her to stop, but of course, it was only in my mind and Alison did not pause in the slightest. Instead she lowered me toward her foot. Her sole came into view and I could see the dry, cracking calluses. While I am not exactly a foot-lover, I wouldn’t say I was repulsed by feet. But this was so very different. Her foot was four times the size of me and I could see every little detail, every bit of dirt and dust, and every flap of dry skin.
I mentally tensed up as she brought me closer and closer until the flat surface of my body was touching her skin. I could feel the warm roughness of her foot like my entire body was pressed against it, which sent a shiver through me. Worse than that though was that I could both smell and even taste her. While it wasn’t exactly a horrible taste, the knowledge that it was the bottom of her foot made it nearly unbearable.
Before I could process the sensations, she started dragging me along the bottom of her foot. I screamed in my head, overwhelmed by what was happening. If I thought the feeling of simply touching her foot was bad, this was so far beyond that. It was like she was scraping her foot with my teeth! I could even feel the flakes of dead skin sliding down my ‘throat’ and into my ‘stomach!’
I gagged and choked as Alison ran me back and forth over her foot like she was shaking a can of spray paint, forcing a constant stream of her dried skin into my mouth and not giving me even a moment of relief. She changed her pattern as she rubbed me over her heel, though she didn’t slow down, subjecting me to sensations quicker than my brain was capable of handling them.
Finally she stopped for a moment and moved me away from her foot. In my relief, it took me a while to realize why. Her quick movements had made her towel fall off of her body, the simple tuck was no longer enough to hold it in place. I stared at her naked body, stunned into silence. While what was happening was terrible, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the sight of her giant body looming over me.
I could still feel her skin inside of me, shifting around as she moved me through the air. Once her towel was tossed aside and she brought me back down and I screamed again before being assaulted by her foot once more.
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